First Hump Day of a new month. Who has it better than us? Nobody! I’m actually coming to you live from inside our local Hyundai dealership, where the First Lady’s car is getting an oil change.
She’s only 3,000 miles behind, so it should be in good shape!
“You actually have three recalls out for this vehicle,” the poor teenager at the desk says to me as I’m checking in. “We can fix one today, we have to order a part for the other one, and they still can’t find a fix for the third one.”
“Great, glad we bought this car a few years ago!” I responded in a sarcastic tone he clearly didn’t get. “Just out of curiosity, what’s the third one y’all can’t fix yet?”
A solid six seconds of silence.
“Well, it has to do with the third-row seats ejecting during a rollover crash,” he said without looking at me for obvious reasons.
“Oh, good,” I said with a chuckle. “I’ll be sure to yell that to my kids as they’re flying through the air on 95!”
At least that one got a laugh out of him.
Anyway, welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps — the one where Anna Paulina Luna cleans up the Florida streets like the patriot she is.
What else? I’ve got former Russian inmate Brittney Griner throwing Angel Reese around like a rag doll, some thoughts on the West Virginia “Country Roads” moment from Monday night, and does anyone here still live in a small town with an active mall?
Ours is getting demolished starting today, and it makes me SICK. We had it all and just pissed it away, didn’t we?
Sad.
OK, grab you something in the cinnamon sugar category from Auntie Anne’s, and settle in for a Hump Day ‘Cap!
Anna Paulina Luna ain’t dealing with the shenanigans in our great state
Nothing beat a mall food court back in the day. It was the Wild Wild West. The world truly was our oyster. Remember the teriyaki chicken samples they’d hand out on a toothpick? The best.
And now look at my mall …
That’s the old Macy’s right there. Just … gone. Poof. Like she never existed. Disgusting.
They’re apparently demolishing half the mall right now and completely overhauling it with a bunch of “hybrid” outdoor/indoor retail spaces, along with a Sprouts and a restaurant.
They’re making it a Tanger Outlet, essentially, for those who live near a Tanger Outlet. The Amazon-ation of this country makes me sick. We used to be a proper nation.
CHIEFS HEIRESS GRACIE HUNT MIGHT HAVE SET A BRIDESMAIDS RECORD, FIGHTING IN THE DOVER PARKING LOT & WINGS!
Anyway … does anyone in class today still have a functioning mall in their town? Let me know! Better yet, send pictures! Bonus points for anyone who sends me photos of a Disney store, FYE, or arcade.
Now, let’s get this class going with MAGA bikini congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna, who spent the week cleaning up the streets in Pinellas County:
More nostalgia because I’m feeling it today
Yes! Get ’em, Congresswoman! These “Teen Takeovers” are insane. It’s a big TikTok thing and it’s pretty much exactly how it sounds. Just hundreds of teenagers invading a public space and making it their own.
Obviously, Florida is a prime spot for it because we’re the best state in the country and people love to come here during the summer even though it’s 157 degrees every day.
I was in Anna Maria last week on vacation (over by Fort Myers) and I’m fairly certain we had something like this brewing on the beach. It didn’t escalate, but I had my head on a SWIVEL the whole time. You never know where these things are going to go.
Exhibit A, from a place I will personally never go … Chicago!
You see? It’s anarchy. Not down here. Not in beautiful, free, law-abiding Florida. Not with Anna Paulina patrolling our streets.
What a state. Can’t believe we’re losing our governor in a few months. What a disaster.
OK, let’s keep class moving by … going back!
Brittney’s grinding, 60 minutes & take me home!
Lordy. Just look at that. Watch it again, and then think about the absolute outrage surrounding our upcoming 250th birthday in a few weeks.
Singers are really dropping out of the event — “The Great American State Fair” — because of Trump. Martina McBride said “no thanks,” along with Bret Michaels, Young MC, Morris Day. Amazing.
Hate Trump all you want. That’s fine. But come on. This is America’s birthday! The big 250. And we’re dropping out? Gross. Be more like Vanilla Ice!
I’m going to age myself here, but I’m just now finding out that Vanilla Ice’s real name is Robert Van Winkle. Had no clue. The more you know …
OK, let’s rapid-fire this Hump Day class into a big Hump Day Night. First up? I know this is a few days old, but I was off yesterday, so it’s newsy to me.
The scene out of Morgantown Monday night was a reminder of what we used to have, and how far we’ve drifted:
THAT is what college athletics are supposed to be about. Not NIL. Not paychecks. Not contracts or marketing deals or draft stock.
TED CRUZ, MARIA CANTWELL UNVEIL BIPARTISAN COLLEGE ATHLETICS BILL AMID NIL CHAOS, LAWSUITS, ‘LANE KIFFIN RULE’
We fell in love with college sports because of moments like that. The upsets. The walk-offs. The “moments.” Above all, the community. We felt a connection with these players because WE went to the school.
We walked the same halls they do. We went to the same campus bars and dining halls and classrooms.
So when they did something great on the field, WE felt like we did something, too. That’s what you saw the other night after West Virginia walked it off.
Less NIL. Less transfer portal. More of that. Please, we’re begging you. Unlike my stupid mall, it’s still possible. We still have a chance to right the ship.
And that’s my TED Talk for the day!
OK, two more on the way out. First? “60 Minutes” is in the news today for reasons I don’t much care about. Above my paygrade, and not for this class.
What IS for this class, however, is this simple question:
Amen. This happens every single week in my house, and has for years now. Decades, really. A tradition unlike any other, as Jim Nantz would say. “60 Minutes” for the AFC crowd, and “Bob’s Burgers” for the NFC folks. God, I miss football season.
98 days, boys and girls. Hang tight. We’re almost there.
OK, that’s it for today. What a class. I think we nailed it. Great first Hump Day of June.
Here’s Joe Biden’s worst trade acquisition, Brittney Griner, flinging Angel Reese around like a rag doll to take us home.
See you tomorrow.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
Any malls in your area still? Email me at [email protected].
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